Tomorrow my munchkin starts 1st grade... Time goes by so quickly, now she is a 1st grader, lost her 2 front teeth and who knows what else is coming. I cannot believe how fast childhood goes by us and all I hope is to enjoy these years as much as I can while they last.
Speaking of which, she came back from "daddy's" wanting to sleep in bed with me and even though I love cuddling with her that is one rule I will not break. She is allowed to sleep with me once a week and that is because obviously there is no one else in my bed. She has been sneaking into my bed in the middle of the night and I have been sending her back. She cries and whines but I can't let her win this one. It's just funny to see how she remains a little girl for certain things and acts so independent for others.
She has also been going through some ups and downs in regards to my ex, she is again wanting to call him and has been asking me if she is ever gonna see Tyler again. She even asked me if I knew where "Ty's mommy lived" so I could call her to see if she would let her play with him. How do I deal with this? Like it's not enough that I still miss them... It breaks my heart to hear her talk about it and even cry about it, it's been 8 months and she is still having a hard time.
I guess all I can take from this is that I am certainly not getting her involved in another relationship, that I will not move with anyone unless we are married and that "IF" I ever marry again it will be FOREVER. In the meantime I am taking a break from dating. I am clearly not ready for it, I want to keep working on myself and the person I want to become. I want to be happy with being single and keep enjoying my "alone" time, which by the way, I think I have done a pretty good job so far.
All I can say is that I know I'm not over my last relationship, I am still hurt and am often confused about how I feel about it. I miss being in love, I miss the relationship I THOUGHT I HAD, the partner I thought he was, etc. Sometimes I wish someone came out of nowhere and make me fall deeply in love.
But then I think, why this need to "fall in love"? why can't I be o.k. with the life that I have and all the blessings that I have been given? My focus is Sophia and there should be room for anything but that. I want to work on it, on being o.k. with the fact that I am not crazy in love with anyone, that it's o.k. to be crazy in love with LIFE! That all I need is to be crazy in love with is the God that blesses me every day with another day to live right next to my daughter who is smart, and beautiful and healthy... Really, what else can someone ask for?
CM
