Today is one of those rough days where I am just overwhelmed by sadness. After infinite attempts to forget him days like today remind me that the process might have been easy and smooth for him, but that for me it's just not that simple. Today I miss him as if I just had left, I am sobbing as I write this because my heart loves him so and for months now I thought that by not writing, saying or admitting this it would go away. All it does is give me this pressure on my chest that increases with time and that just goes away every so often when I pour my heart out crying.
So today is one of those days... I just miss him so, I miss what we had, our family, our jokes, his monkey hands, the way he looked at me and the whole world disappeared, the way he kissed me, held me, the way nothing mattered as long as we were able to be together and hold each other. He was my everything, my lover, my knight, my best friends and I miss him. I sometimes wish I could at least have him as a friend, that he still cared about me, about Sophia, that I could know how he was doing, how Ty was doing. That I would get to see pics of the little man, that I could see them once more at least as friends.
I long for the day this doesn't hurt, the day I am able to remember him with no anger or sadness. I wish I could move on just how he did, quick and easy, although I sometimes wonder if what he has is even real. Anyone that loved how we did cannot just forget and cannot just move on, so I wonder if while he lays in bed with her he thinks of me, while he holds her hand he still wishes it was mine, if he ever misses me like I do.
All I can say is that I will keep working on me, I'll keep trying to heal and hoping that sooner than later I can be free again to love once more as I loved him.
CM
